28 Jan 2011 – Getting a few things off my chest

I almost never complain about my job.  Sure, in the past I wrote about my emotions when my old boss was in the process of leaving (well, she was laid off; it’s not like it was her choice to go), but I feel I have to make the fine distinction between writing about that event and complaining about my job.

Especially during these times so filled with uncertainty, having a job, especially a relatively well-paying one given my actual duties, is certainly a great blessing.  But perhaps inevitably, there will come a time when one’s tolerance for little niggles becomes overloaded.  I like to believe that my patience is capable of being stretched further than most people’s, but I have my limits.

Lately I’ve been feeling like those limits are being stretched to their max.  I don’t want to elaborate (at least, not right now), but suffice it to say that an accumulation of little things that usually are just best ignored and forgotten is in danger of becoming a snowball of bad feeling and stress.  It’s certainly not a comfortable burden to bear.

I think part of the reason for this rising wave of stress is rooted in my memories of how good things used to be.  Comparing then to how things are today results in a clear bias for the past, obviously.  

I’m also quite discomfited with my growing acceptance that perhaps some people’s poor reputations, which I had always ignored in the past, may in fact exist for very valid reasons.  There are always reasons why some people are branded as malcontents, or too difficult to work with, or whatever else.  I deliberately decided a long time ago to ignore these reputations and just allow people to be who they are, fully aware that sometimes some reputations are unfair given the fact that sometimes things just get too personal at work.  In other words, someone might get colored by a particular brush undeservedly simply because whoever is talking about that person has a personal problem with him/her.  Or, an isolated incident just distorts the entire picture of a person.

Well, perhaps I’ve been too patient with certain people, and maybe there is some truth to what some people say about them.  I always say tigers never change their stripes; maybe the description of those stripes was accurate all along, and I was just too naive to want to believe otherwise.

I sincerely hope that this uncomfortable feeling goes away, one way or the other.  It’s a very rough and heavy cross to bear, and it’s taxing all my already depleted mental, emotional, and spiritual energies to near-empty just thinking about it.  

I don’t want to respond in ways that I might regret.  Life is already too short.

1 Jan 2011 – Happy New Year!

So here I am, lying on my bed at my parents’ house at 5:57AM on New Year’s Day.  Sleep has apparently decided to evade me after staying up for the traditional New Year’s Eve celebrations.  Not even a dose of pseudoephedrine (I’m presently fighting a cold; at least the cough I’ve had for nearly three weeks now has apparently been beaten back) has knocked me out.

It must be one gigantic worry or two casting their shadows on my mind if not even sleep-inducing medicine is ineffective.

Truth be told, I do have a few worries and concerns weighing me down at the moment.  Some of these worries are mine and mine alone, personal burdens that I have to somehow find solutions to; other worries revolve around people I love and care about who are set to undergo their own trials in the coming days, weeks, and months.

My penchant for trying (not always succeeding, mind you; but always definitely trying) to organize and pre-plan as much in my life is partly why I have such things on my mind.  To be more precise, in trying to sort through all the things that I see in the distance, both in just my own life and in the lives of others who I love, accepting that not there are not enough critical elements under my direct control is a very difficult reality to come to terms with.

*****

2011 looks to be a very critical year in my own life’s plan.  There are certain goals I need to achieve by the end of the year, if only because these goals seem to be the key to other goals further into the future.

I’m presently considering augmenting my education, specifically in attaining certain certifications in computer science, to give myself more options for future career enhancement.  In the past, this wasn’t strictly necessary, as my employer has a more-or-less ready-made ladder of achievement in place for my career goals.  Unfortunately, because of economic realities which probably ensure that that ladder of achievement will be inaccessible until too far into the future (if at all — I have to err on the side of caution in such an important matter), I have to make adjustments on my own end.  The door to future opportunities and advancement that I thought would be there in the past seems to have been replaced by a wall, so I have to make my own door.

Or maybe, just go on to the next building and see if there is a door or window I can get into.

One way or the other, I’ll get to where I want and need to go.

Some sacrifices need to be made, and I’ve already started down that path for the past few months.  Sacrifices always entail some degree of pain and suffering, but if the cause is worth it, then you just go through with them and push until you get to where you need to go.

*****

On another note, I’ve lately been consumed by music.  I’ve been listening to lots of well-loved tunes, and when my lungs and vocal cords cooperate well enough, I’ve even been singing along as well.

Here’s a secret:  There are few joys purer than singing out loud in the car.  ;)

I’ve even indulged in a particular type of daydream that I used to visit and revisit often:  Lately I’ve been fantasizing about playing and singing in front of an audience, particularly at Buster’s in South Pasadena.

You see, there was a time, believe it or not, when I was active musically.  I used to play guitar with a couple of great mates; we even wrote quite a few songs.  Unfortunately, I’ve lost touch with that side of myself — I have to say that I’ve also lost touch to some degree with those friends as well, but through no fault of theirs.  I still love them a lot – I always will – but we rarely see each other or talk to each other these days, as our lives have changed.

Anyway, maybe a combination of will power, a lot of practice, and a continuing reattachment to my musical instincts may yet see a time when I share with you all an account or two describing how it was to play at Buster’s.  :)

*****

I think that’s enough soul-baring for now.  I hope that each and every one of you finds 2011 to be a much better year than 2010 was.  Even if 2010 was particularly good and sweet for you, may 2011 be even better!

Peace out.