I’ve been devoting a lot of energy and time on other writing projects, with precious little left for personal stuff left over.

With the changeover to a new calendar, though, comes the psychological illusion of a chance to reevaluate things; in reality, change is nothing less than the result of willpower, commitment, and action coming together at any random time.  In other words, you change (habits, clothes, whatever) when you want to.

At this point in time, though, I do feel like I need to change many things in my own life.  There are some things I have now that I wish to unburden myself of, certain responsibilities and commitments that I want to jettison simply because any enjoyment and satisfaction I felt in doing them has been overcome by aggravation and stress.  The way I want to live my life, I would strongly prefer for the balance to tip way more into the positive side of things.  Once the balance tips over into a zone where the bad things outweigh the good, well…

Of course, all decisions require a period of soul-searching, a time for deep reflection, calculation, and honest appraisals of not just the good things in play, but the bad things as well.  As human beings, we are all creatures stirred by emotions; negative emotions, in particular, exert a profound influence.  Negative emotions are a lot like gravity, in fact, in that they are almost impossible to resist.  Emotions, unfortunately, tend to discolor our logic, resulting in an imbalanced, distorted perspective on life.

Life is best lived when most things are in balance.

And so I enter a zone of introspection and thought, all in the pursuit of that balance I need.

Whatever decisions I make, I’ll likely spill the beans in this space.

Until then, may you live your own lives with as much peace, serenity, and balance as you desire.

Lots of things have happened in the interim; in fact, lots of things are still happening right now.  The point is, there really is no shortage of things to write about.  What there is a shortage of, however, are time to commit to paper (or to online space, as it were) accounts of all those things as well as the necessary gumption to do so.

Someday I may find both the time and the motivation to write more thoroughly on the things that have kept me busy these past few weeks, but here are the highlights:

• I was admitted into the hospital for what I feared was a heart problem, but what was eventually concluded to have been significant dehydration.  On the bright side, at least my doctors concluded that my ticker is pretty healthy except for a slight tendency to have high blood pressure.
• During my hospital stay, I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.  It was a tough blow, but at least I know that there is an enemy within the gates.  Knowing there is something to fight and knowing what its nature is can only help in beating it.
• Post-hospital admission, I’ve been working harder than ever to get healthier.  I’ve already lost some weight, and have resumed my habit of going on afternoon bike rides after work in order to get in some kind of decent shape.
• In sports-related news, I was most pleased that the Miami Heat lost to the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals.  To be perfectly honest, after the Lakers got hammered out of the playoffs, I didn’t care which team won the championship just as long Miami and that insufferable fraud LeBron James did not win the title themselves.
• More sports:  I don’t know what to make of new Lakers head coach Mike Brown.  All I know is that he never impressed me when he was the Cavaliers’ head coach.  I decried his appointment as a “stupid move” by the Lakers to some friends; as a Lakers fan, I hope the management knows something about Mike Brown’s coaching abilities beyond what I saw during his tenure in Cleveland.
• Tech stuff:  I recently finished my second water-cooled PC.  I had dubbed this the “Secret Project.”  It’s the fastest, most powerful PC I’ve constructed yet.  Next on my plate:  Completing the re-purposing of my first water-cooled PC into file server duty, and constructing  a machine for me and my sisters’ use whenever I’m at my parents’ house.
• Finally:  I made a big push and finished chapter 12 of my “V:  The Final Battle” – based fanfiction novella “Echoes.”  It needs polish and loving attention from editors and critical readers.  (If anybody would like to volunteer, by all means let me know, please!  You will not be refused.)

Here’s an incomplete summary of all I’m doing:

• Working on an experimental “carbon fiber” motherboard tray PC mod.  It’s actually not what it sounds like, i.e., it’s not as if I’m building a motherboard tray made out of carbon fiber.  Actually, it’s nothing more than applying a vinyl sheet that looks incredibly like a sheet of carbon fiber to a motherboard tray.  I love the look of CF, so I’m studying application techniques right now to see how feasible it is to make this a signature feature on my custom PC builds.
• My “V” fanfiction novella “Echoes” is now well into chapter twelve.  (I’m considering starting a new blog, purely for posting fiction/fanfiction, actually.  I’ll plug it, for sure, if I go through with that plan.) 
• On the weekends I’ve been helping taking care of my nephews and hanging out with my sisters.  Family time is essential, so weekends are incredibly valuable to me.
• I’m continuing my studies in football.  Right now I’m focused on “bunch” sets, formations, and play packages, as well as 4-3 defense philosophies.  Very fascinating.  I have to admit, though, that my brain seems heavily biased towards understanding offensive principles much more readily.  I’m struggling understanding defenses.
• My sports blog has seen a small yet very pleasing jump in hits and readership.  I’m grateful to whomever visits and reads my thoughts on sports, though I keep hoping that people leave comments and thoughts on it (and on this blog as well).
• I’m also currently amassing (old) PC parts to build two systems for family in the Philippines.

I’ve got other projects, but these are the ones that come to mind most readily.  As you can see, I’ve got quite a full plate.

No complaints, though.

Especially during these times so filled with uncertainty, having a job, especially a relatively well-paying one given my actual duties, is certainly a great blessing.  But perhaps inevitably, there will come a time when one’s tolerance for little niggles becomes overloaded.  I like to believe that my patience is capable of being stretched further than most people’s, but I have my limits.

Lately I’ve been feeling like those limits are being stretched to their max.  I don’t want to elaborate (at least, not right now), but suffice it to say that an accumulation of little things that usually are just best ignored and forgotten is in danger of becoming a snowball of bad feeling and stress.  It’s certainly not a comfortable burden to bear.

I think part of the reason for this rising wave of stress is rooted in my memories of how good things used to be.  Comparing then to how things are today results in a clear bias for the past, obviously.  

I’m also quite discomfited with my growing acceptance that perhaps some people’s poor reputations, which I had always ignored in the past, may in fact exist for very valid reasons.  There are always reasons why some people are branded as malcontents, or too difficult to work with, or whatever else.  I deliberately decided a long time ago to ignore these reputations and just allow people to be who they are, fully aware that sometimes some reputations are unfair given the fact that sometimes things just get too personal at work.  In other words, someone might get colored by a particular brush undeservedly simply because whoever is talking about that person has a personal problem with him/her.  Or, an isolated incident just distorts the entire picture of a person.

Well, perhaps I’ve been too patient with certain people, and maybe there is some truth to what some people say about them.  I always say tigers never change their stripes; maybe the description of those stripes was accurate all along, and I was just too naive to want to believe otherwise.

I sincerely hope that this uncomfortable feeling goes away, one way or the other.  It’s a very rough and heavy cross to bear, and it’s taxing all my already depleted mental, emotional, and spiritual energies to near-empty just thinking about it.  

I don’t want to respond in ways that I might regret.  Life is already too short.

It must be one gigantic worry or two casting their shadows on my mind if not even sleep-inducing medicine is ineffective.

Truth be told, I do have a few worries and concerns weighing me down at the moment.  Some of these worries are mine and mine alone, personal burdens that I have to somehow find solutions to; other worries revolve around people I love and care about who are set to undergo their own trials in the coming days, weeks, and months.

My penchant for trying (not always succeeding, mind you; but always definitely trying) to organize and pre-plan as much in my life is partly why I have such things on my mind.  To be more precise, in trying to sort through all the things that I see in the distance, both in just my own life and in the lives of others who I love, accepting that not there are not enough critical elements under my direct control is a very difficult reality to come to terms with.

*****

2011 looks to be a very critical year in my own life’s plan.  There are certain goals I need to achieve by the end of the year, if only because these goals seem to be the key to other goals further into the future.

I’m presently considering augmenting my education, specifically in attaining certain certifications in computer science, to give myself more options for future career enhancement.  In the past, this wasn’t strictly necessary, as my employer has a more-or-less ready-made ladder of achievement in place for my career goals.  Unfortunately, because of economic realities which probably ensure that that ladder of achievement will be inaccessible until too far into the future (if at all — I have to err on the side of caution in such an important matter), I have to make adjustments on my own end.  The door to future opportunities and advancement that I thought would be there in the past seems to have been replaced by a wall, so I have to make my own door.

Or maybe, just go on to the next building and see if there is a door or window I can get into.

One way or the other, I’ll get to where I want and need to go.

Some sacrifices need to be made, and I’ve already started down that path for the past few months.  Sacrifices always entail some degree of pain and suffering, but if the cause is worth it, then you just go through with them and push until you get to where you need to go.

*****

On another note, I’ve lately been consumed by music.  I’ve been listening to lots of well-loved tunes, and when my lungs and vocal cords cooperate well enough, I’ve even been singing along as well.

Here’s a secret:  There are few joys purer than singing out loud in the car.  ;)

I’ve even indulged in a particular type of daydream that I used to visit and revisit often:  Lately I’ve been fantasizing about playing and singing in front of an audience, particularly at Buster’s in South Pasadena.

You see, there was a time, believe it or not, when I was active musically.  I used to play guitar with a couple of great mates; we even wrote quite a few songs.  Unfortunately, I’ve lost touch with that side of myself — I have to say that I’ve also lost touch to some degree with those friends as well, but through no fault of theirs.  I still love them a lot – I always will – but we rarely see each other or talk to each other these days, as our lives have changed.

Anyway, maybe a combination of will power, a lot of practice, and a continuing reattachment to my musical instincts may yet see a time when I share with you all an account or two describing how it was to play at Buster’s.  :)

*****

I think that’s enough soul-baring for now.  I hope that each and every one of you finds 2011 to be a much better year than 2010 was.  Even if 2010 was particularly good and sweet for you, may 2011 be even better!

Peace out.

If ever you encounter a man half as good as Rick is, consider yourself a very lucky person indeed.  

The simple truth of the matter is that very few people meet someone as good as Rick is.  To say he is special, well…  that’s really a horrendous understatement.

I’ve known Rick for the better part of twenty-one years.  He was one of my first friends here in the United States, and fortunately as the years have gone on, our friendship has only gotten better.  Oh, we don’t see each other and hang out nearly as much as we used to when we were younger – he’s married to the lovely Monette now and they’re expecting their first child, while I’m the final bachelor in our particular circle of friends – but whenever we see each other it’s as if we’d never been apart. 

He’s seen me at my best, and he’s tolerated me when I’ve been at my worst.  Through thick and thin, he’s always been there for me.  I’ve seen Rick sad or down only a few times, and hopefully I’ve given him at least some return on the comfort he’s always given me whenever I needed a friend.

So yeah, it’s Rick’s birthday today.  Thirty-five, and still going strong.

If there’s one wish I wish could be granted, it’s that he and I will be old friends.  I mean that strictly that I’ll live as long as he does, that we have as many years – decades – sharing our friendship together.

Happy birthday, Rick.  You’re the best.

What would you be doing instead?  Who would you be instead of who you are now?

For me, there are so many possible answers.  Presently, though, my moods move me to say that I wish I had taken up studies in cinema and become a professional filmmaker.

So many things about the medium call to me so powerfully.  I suppose the biggest of these is the fact that is it is a creative process.  You get to make something, hopefully something beautiful, something provocative, something generous, from out of nothing.  You also get to share, to collaborate, with others during this creative process.  In a way, I suppose it’s a lot like being parents.  You invest so much of yourself in your creation; your creation is like your child, in that it becomes the focus of all your hopes, and you give it everything it needs.

What part of making films appeals to me the strongest?  I don’t really know, to be honest.  If you take “me” as I presently am, I’m really ill-suited to be a filmmaker in that I lack the requisite skills to be one.  But there again, if impossible wishes were to be granted, I know I would thoroughly enjoy certain parts more than others.  I particularly enjoy how the audio elements – sound design, sound mixing, and music for cinema – often exert a subtle yet immeasurably profound influence on a film.

I love music, and one of my most favorite genres is music for films.  I suppose this is a result of having a childhood full of memories of listening to so much Mancini and Elmer and Leonard Bernstein and, of course, John Williams.  One of my heart’s most fervent impossible wishes is to be someone like John Williams.  For me, his music is simply the best.  Some of his works even moves me to tears.

His work sings of love:

It gives the hero a suitable fanfare:

It endows scenes with a threat of imminent doom:

Or an air of calm and serenity:

I could go on and on about John Williams, but hopefully these few samples of his work serve to illustrate just how much I love his work and give some clue as to why I have nurtured such impossible wishes to emulate him.

As I close, I’d like to share with you one of my favorite melodies from film.  This time it’s a song from the 1980s TV show Airwolf. The song is called “Gabrielle’s Theme,” and it is the show’s primary love theme.

The video is a cover made by a fan and uploaded onto YouTube, but it’s a fairly faithful rendition of the original.

Enjoy!

Ask me anything

I’ve got another active blog, my all sports blog, and I just finished a gigantic three-part series, a mid-season drivers’ review of the current 2010 Formula One season.  Writing about sports is something I hugely enjoy, and with the autumn coming up we’ve got the NFL and the NBA to look forward to.  The F1 season will also be reaching its exciting climax, so there will be a lot to write about then.

On top of Joe-Pinions:  Sports, I’m also quite busy writing “Echoes,” a novella-length fanfic based on V:  The Final Battle.  It’s easily the single biggest piece of writing I’ve ever done.  At the moment, it’s almost eleven chapters, ~130 pages long, with maybe three or four chapters to go, depending on how I plan to cut up the rest of the remaining plot points.  Some days the story writes itself, but on other days…  sometimes it’s very difficult to put down onto paper, so to speak.  The story’s main heroine really gets put through the wringer, and I have to confess that sometimes it’s quite soul-destroying trying to describe and elaborate upon the hell she has to go through.

Oh, to be the slave to one’s art…